Gorillas-Gone-Wild at the DMV

I just went to get a renewal of my driver's license. Fun Fun.  I don't think that in the history of photographic licensing there has ever been a photo that does the citizen's appearance justice....

Almost all previous attempts at having a license photo turn out well have miserably failed.  In fact, I can describe the previous images quite accurately as "Gypsy queen", "Gorillas-gone-Wild", and "Axe Murderer".  I assure you, I (normally) don't match any of these descriptions.  It is also probably safe to assume that you all, ladies and gentleman, have had similar unfortunate circumstances with the system and can relate to my grumblings.


Why do we care about how the photo looks anyway?  Its not like you use your photo ID that often, right? True, its not that often, but when you do... that photo can save you hundreds of dollars. I'll explain.


So you are speeding down the road, late for work because the spouse decided to leave your car's lights on and thus had to jolly up a jump start, and suddenly you hear the dreadful sound of police sirens.  GREAT... they got me.... Happy Monday.  While pulling to the side of the road you start a cranial calc of how much this experience will cost you unless you can flirt your way out of it...and then it hits you...

"DAMN! My DL photo!  Now there his no way in hell I can bat my eyes enough to get out if this one when he is staring at a picture of a crack head... damn it..."

In the end you are slapped with a $160 fine and at least a week of embarrassment for the horrible photo he had to stare at for 10 minutes while he entered your information into his little patrol car PC.  On the other side of the spectrum, if he had the gorgeous picture of an Angelina Jolie look-alike to stare at while the records were pulling up... he may give you just a warning.  Blog topic point... made.

On a little side thought... I wonder if any cops keep a personal log of the ugliest photos they've encountered... or the hottest... I hope I am not on either of those lists... who knows what they do with them...

Anywho... just a few tips for your next Driver's License photo:
1) Don't smile really big.  You will either look like a dummy or a ditz
2) Don't wear trendy clothes.  In 2 years when you still hold the card the trend will be over and your good impression too will be over
3) Do keep your eyes open while waiting for the click (no blinking!).  You know that lady won't give you a do-over even if they are only half open.
4) Do hold good posture or your neck will look like it a hippopotamus leg
5) Do wear makeup, but don't look like a drag queen

I have no fear of photography as long as it cannot be used in heaven and in hell. ~Edvard Munch

Peach Fuzz

Just finished up a peach bought from the local 'vegan friendly' grocery store and am now battling the remnant peach fuzz that may or may not still be on my cheeks and lips.  Eating a peach with the little hairs all over never fails to leave a hairy trail and itch behind.  We can compare this sensation to many experiences I think... such as useless conversations... Let me explain.

When you speak with someone in passing... whether it be in person, on the phone, on chat, email, text... whatever... most people are left with internal questions about what was the point/lesson/effect of that interaction.  The reason it relates to the annoying peach fuzz?  Because normally what is left is the realization that it was a complete waste of thought and breath.

(Wow, I sound negative today)

I'll give you a common example.  Say you have a short conversation with the lady at the cash register who is scanning and bagging your goods.

She says "Hello, how are you doing today?" 
You casually respond "I'm doing well, thank you.  You?" 
"Good, good." she replies.  

Already, in this short transfer of words we have some irritating fuzz....

1)  Friendly lady didn't make eye contact when she asked how I was, means she doesn't really care how I am and she probably is just told to say that as part of her job.

2) She said "today" rather than "this afternoon" or "this morning" which means its more likely she is just told to say this to the customers OR she says it so she won't have that odd experience of saying the wrong section of day in the greeting.

3) In saying "I'm doing well" you are just giving her some BS response because she doesn't know you at all and you should not tell her any details about your life because she has no need to know.

4)You asked a return "You?" not because you want to really know how they are doing, but because if you don't, you MIGHT be thought of as unfriendly.  Going with the flow of society on that one....

5) "Good, good." her response did not answer my question for how she was. Even if I genuinely cared to know how she was doing... she has now turned the tables and confirmed that she doesn't actually care to be friendly.

6) ... she is just doing her job. So quit over-analyzing the situation [said to self]

The conversation and its analysis, in its totality, was an utter waste of breath and thought which now I have shared with you all.  As are most interactions with people on a casual basis...they only serve to add more 'fuzz' in my brain like that darn peach did on my cheeks. 

This is why I prefer to purchase on Amazon where no useless human contact occurs.

"Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something" ~ Plato

I'm Becoming Smart

I give, I give!  I will go ahead and get a smart phone when my 2 year cellular phone contract is over.  So now in which direction will my life flow after taking this monumental step?

I will have 2G of data each month which I am told is enough and I 'should not' have any overages.  (The first charge for overages will result in my slaughtering of that person who said 2G was enough...)  I will immediately add the apps 'Guess-a-Sketch' and 'Words with Friends' as I assume I will love them based on my corner-of-the-eye observations of various coworkers and family members.  The rest of the apps... I don't know.... but I like services only if I use them often/regularly.... or don't want them at all. The grocery app that reminds you to get certain items after 2 weeks have passed by... maybe it is another to look into.

My husband commented "If that cell phone can do all that... then we don't need TV's anymore nor computers"  I know he doesn't mean it literally, but I get his point.  If our phones are basically little computers which we carry along with us to the movies, market... and potty....then we have become a society of wire(less) nerds.

It appears that nerds have... undoubtedly... begun to rule the world.  The rest of us are just the jug-heads that they will eventually implant mind control microchips into which will compel us to run on human sized hamster wheels in their basements so that the 'nerd elite' no longer require alternative sources of power supply.

So in my 'give' to get a smart phone, I'm signing up to be a 'wheeler' like the rest of you to-be-hamsters.

I hope there is still a spare corner of the cedar pen so that I may pee in privacy...

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Much Ado About Nuns

  Much ado about nuns.

The ladies have a point to make to the 'big man' in the Vatican seat, so they speak and make their hubbub known.  My question however is why is the institution set up that there is a singular boss man of the Catholic church?

For me... 'boss man' is only God... the 'being' that is in some other realm not feeling the sun's rays, the water's waves, nor the brushing bushes.  He is the only one whom we have to be accountable to and whom we should get our answers from about how to live.  The idea that there is some other governing/ruling body over a whole belief that they can CHANGE the rules of is not Godly at all.  In fact, God is eternal, His rules are eternal, His plan is eternal (and unchanging), and we mere mortals are just playing make-believe if we think we have any say in any of the matters.

We don't control squat of what happens to ourselves.  We wake up today with the intention to run a marathon, get ready, set, go out the door and fall and break our neck on the way down the stairs to the car.  Instant paraplegic and life is never the same.  No Pope can do anything to stop that from happening.  Its only God who can make things happen or not, so why are the nuns asking for anything from a guy at the Vatican?  

If anyone wants change... nuns, CEOs, teachers, lawyers, beggars... they need only do one thing.  Pray to God about it and use the guidance that He showed you as 'the way' to improve the situation... THEN act once you are educated about it all.  

The nuns in this situation are reacting to what actions the church hierarchy is taking that they believe is going against the church doctrine, but they should ask themselves if they are in the right belief system if the structure even HAS a hierarchy rather than being structured as a direct association between themselves and God. (without the Bishops, Cardinals, and 'de Popa')

"Did not he who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same one form us both within our mothers?" Job 31:15

Worry Wench

Had a bad day yesterday due to lack of sleep.  Normally, I can function pretty well on about 6 hours  with only a few minor mood swings which I perceive as being tolerable by others, but when the sleep is reduced to 4 hours.... WATCH OUT WORLD...PISSED WOMAN APPROACHING!

Reason for deprivation? I woke up at 4:15 naturally and fully intended to go back to sleep (until the time when my alarm would inform me of the impending doom of a new workday) but instead my brain decided to hijack my peace.  The dominant thought... "Did I screw up the budget yesterday?"

In the room where I am 'cubed' at work there are a few people who generally come to me for advice for voucher claims and for budget transfers from month to month and expense code to expense code.  Generally I am all good about helping them out of their predicaments and it is rather eazy-peezy.  But this time, due to the jet lag (although I will deny that I am affected by it as badly as others are) and trying to get my brain out of vacation mode, I was in the midst of a 4:00 AM worryfest concerning if I had royally screwed up budget requests for 2 people due to an overseen technicality.

I would tell myself, "Its fine, you can reverse what you did yesterday and make it all better today when you go in.  Just call accounting and have them fix it IF there is a problem with the budget month." 

Then the 'Worry Wench" residing in the evil depths of my cranium would respond with "Oh no, you weren't careful enough yesterday and they can't reverse the problem because the system is strict.  You just lost $3,000 budget."

I return again to address the wench "Regardless of if you are right or not, I can't do anything about it at 4 in the morning!"

She would then smartly reply "True, you can't do anything now, but imagine every detail of the crap you have to go through explaining to those people you helped... who TRUSTED you to advise them....that you screwed it all up for them!"

I thus lay there in a stressed out stoop imagining the pending doom at work IF IF IF there is a problem that I wasn't able to foresee.  Two hours pass by and no sleep, just closed eyes and a noticeably dismal facial expression imprinted on my face to add that much more joy to the day.

BEEP BEEP BEEP.... the alarm goes off....

Slugging to get ready and go to work, arrival and immediate 8AM call to accounting to confirm that NO, there is no problem and the budget requests done yesterday were all correctly done.

Great to hear.   Now the only thing I get out of my lack of sleep is a crappy attitude and a hope that my coworkers don't wring my neck for being short tempered with them over the next 8 hours.

Better believe I slept like a dead woman that night ... after pigging out on a grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate ice cream.


I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know? ~Ernest Hemingway

Outward Beauty - per men

Through experience and some web research, here is what I have determined to be the top 4 outward qualities that men admire most. By NO means am I saying that these are most important, however its not like its something we can or should ignore.  Anywho, here they are!

#1 - Hair

There is nothing that can beat a shiny, healthy head of hair.  It can be curly or straight, short or long, highlighted or natural, but regardless of the do that you drape your coif will grab the attention.  "The power is in the follicle!" Ok, maybe no 'power' is really involved, but your protein strands grab and keep the attention of many men.  Online sources say that 60% of a man's attention is on your hair and 75% of those will ignore your other 'flaws' if you have gorgeous flowing flocks.  So ladies… if you want attention, don’t skimp on the conditioning treatment… and if you don’t want  it then go for the bun, a hat, or the full on scarf (like the pretty lady in the foto... ).  But be forewarned... if you cover your hair under a hat, it might be even more of a temptation for the dude to see what you have hidden!  

#2 - Lips

Guys want to be funny, fun, and fascinating.  How do they know they have landed high on your score for them?  By looking at your SMILE and LAUGH shown on your LIPS!  So what gathers more attention to that source of good and evil (depending on what comes out of your smackers could cause one or the other)?  Lipstick.  Studies show that you get 6.7 seconds of attention if you are wearing pink lipstick and 7.3 seconds of attention if you are wearing red lipstick.  So how much attention do I get if I wear my purple or brown tones??? Study is lacking…..

#3 - Physical Fitness

We are not talking track star here, but at least having the ability to distinguish between flub and fantastic.  Some curves are good, but whether you have them naturally or not, is not as important as being healthy.  Why?  Because healthy = procreation = stability = longevity.  For the true and genuine relationship hunting man… these are the keys to success.  Ya, they say they want someone who is ‘hot’ but that phrase is just man-talk for healthy.

#4 - Good Hygiene

Imagine a woman who is fit as a fiddle, has flowing blonde hair, cute red lips…. And smells like a rotten fish carcass.  No matter if you have him all the money in the world, he is not going to want to get close to her because she is SMELL-E!!!  I almost wanted to put this item at the top of the list, but I would like to think that it is so rare to have a woman neglect her bodily stank that I positioned it at the bottom of my list.  To put it simply… wash your pits, brush your teeth, and mind your general ‘secretion’ levels to be sure you aren’t driving that perfect (80% perfect at least) man away from the paradise that is you.

Beauty is the bait which with delight allures man to enlarge his kind. - Socrates

Tip for Kitty Owners

Just a simple tip for those of you who have kittens or cats that require constant fun.  After watching my kitten play with some 'debris' in the tub (dry) on her own, I thought I should put one of her toys in there so the poor thing doesn't have to resort to trash to play with.  So on my route to her toy basket.... my attention was diverted to a bowl of shiny marbles I have on display in my dining room. (I am an addict to color... what is more awesome than a colorful marble!)

This was the thought sequence....1) Tub 2) Curvature 3) Marble 4) Curvature 5) Paw 6) Swirl 7) Automatic Kitten Toy!

So instead of going for her pink puff ball... I grabbed a blue marble from the pile of gorgeous marbles and made my way back to the bathroom.  She was still in the tub trying to find something to play with in this new white play pen and looked up at me when I came in with my toy offering.  After showing her what I was about to introduce to her (can't scare the kitties!) I placed the marble against the inside edge of the tub and let it roll.

She was instantly hooked!  Pat with the paw and ZOOOM it rolls all over the tub left and right and round in circles at the drain. Forty minutes later she finally decides that the fun is over (for now) and came to find out what 'Mamma' is up to (that's me).  Mamma is typing this up on the blog to share with her buddies...

Marble + Tub + Kitten = One of the greatest discoveries of 2012 (aside from when we all discover the world won't come to an end because the Mayans aren't gods)

NOTE: If you don't have one of those tubs with a cover on the drain, get one or don't attempt!